A Revelation

So I took some time away from responsibilities this weekend and I came to the conclusion that I am not happy. And that’s okay. It is better to be aware that you are unhappy then to try and shove down inside of you so you never have to worry about it.

I am not happy with my day money (is what I call a day job). And it’s not that I don’t think day jobs are for me, I just can’t do this one.

Reasons why I can’t do this day money:

• Micromanaging boss
• Having to give up nights and weekends for it
• Be constantly talked down to and told I’m doing everything wrong before I even get a chance to try
• There is more work than 2 people can do
• The unorganization is astounding
• Instead of the word “um” he uses “you know?” and it doesn’t seem like a lot but consistently being asked if I know what he’s talking about 12 times in one sentence is very frustrating

I need something that will allow me to do my job well and not constantly feel like a burden and like I don’t know what’s going on because, right now, I just have no idea what is going on and I can’t keep working like this.

But it’s nice to know that I have figured that out and a, taking steps to correct the problem. And I always have a bad time giving people bad news so I am not looking forward to letting him know that I am going to be leaving. I don’t like making people sad and I am terrible at confrontation but if I am unhappy I have to think of me first because, at the end of the day, I am stuck with myself and am the most important person in my life.

My Life is a Joke

I know what you’re thinking: “There is no way her life is more of a joke than mine” and you would be WRONG!

My life is an endless cycle of anxiety indued disappointments: I’m always early with everything, I’m gullible and I worry about everything. My most recent emotional trauma happened just yesterday when my roommate was looking for apartments. Let me give you a forward:

We are currently roommates and are heading our separate ways to live alone with our SO’s. So I got my apartment about 3 weeks ago for a June 1 lease. It was the only property I found that is where I wanted it to be that allows dogs. This is also my roommates first time finding an apartment in the city.

So I tag along to apartment showings because I know there is nothing out there that will allow dogs and has everything I want: that doesn’t exits. OR DOES IT?! Because she found it!

It was a duplex house so you only had 1 neighbor, it had a HUGE backyard, a wood burning fireplace, a dishwasher and a garage space.

AND IT ACCEPTS DOGS!!!

SHE DOESN’T OWN A DOG!

And I know I should be happy for her but this always happens to me. I get nervous and worry that I won’t find a place or it will just be an apartment to live in until I find a better one and I get so much anxiety that I move quickly and hastily purchase things.

And I know that happiness is a choice and blah blah blah but that part of my brain that allows me to do that is trapped in a very dark closet with R. Kelly.

So, the idea behind this post is to not just vent my frustrations to the endless void that is the internet, it is to read what I am writing and realize that this is a dumb thing to be that upset about. I’m allowed a small amount of time to pout and lament but I tend to make those small amounts of time last a few weeks.

I am in that state right now where it feels like the Universe is against me with everything I do. I am slowly feeling like I am going to have a mental breakdown and start smashing objects with a cold dead expression and then I’ll be in a mental institution (this has been thought out.)

So, here’s to hoping that this weekend does me well…

New Beginings

In case anyone was wondering, I do have an old blog. I started it in 2013 so, it’s pretty dated and I thought I would give it a much needed face lift.

If anyone here read any of my other posts you will know that I very much love gif’s and will most likely use them way too much and sometimes for no reason at all. That’s just what you get when you read life rants.

And I’m Over Here Like…

 

Cameron understands me. He knows.

 

Guys, I am getting really frustrated with life: trying to save money, working all the time to get said money to save, trying to have a social life, etc. But nothing irks me more than ALSO having a theatre life.

Let me tell you folks, being an actor is having another world inside the one you all of you “normal” people live in. You don’t know it’s there except for maybe seeing a musical about Mormons in Africa or owning a television. And many of you probably think “that’s easy, I can do that” to which I say, “uh-fuck uh-you”.

Now, don’t get me wrong, to some people it’s as easy as breathing. But even THAT will only get you so far. For you business types that get out of college and just look for a job in your field, you have no idea how easy you have it. Actors do not get that luxury. No, when we get out of college, we have to find a job to support us until our career takes off which, for most, doesn’t happen until your late thirties or early forties UNLESS, you have  money.

Oh, what I would give to have money. You get out of school and then you’re just stuck in limbo for years until you’ve realized it’s been months since you last acted and maybe you forgot how to do it! Well, that’s not good. So you request more auditions (yes, request. Most of the time you have to be accepted to audition) to which you don’t get a response back to for maybe a month. Then finally, you do! Then you wait to see if you get a callback…I think this will be easier to follow in NUMBER form!!

#1: Apply to Audition#2: Wait to hear back
#3: If no response, repeat #1 and #2
#4: If response, Callback
#5: Repeat #2
#6: If no response, repeat #1 and #2
#7: If response, Cast

<p That should make things a little more readable. Now, this process can take anywhere from 3 days to forever.

<p Now, if you DO get a part: hooray!! It's most likely UN-paid. Which means you will basically be spending money you don't have to get to each rehearsal.
Don't want to to do stage theatre? No problem. There are plenty of agents in this city that don't want you unless you've had some experience in Chicago stage theatre OR have taken specific classes. So, head back up to that #1 and try your luck out. Not interested in doing stage theatre? Classes it is.  Let's see: an average on camera class in this city is about $350. There are usually 2 or 3 classes in the section and, let’s say you want to take all 3, that would bring your total to $1050. But, wait a minute, you should really update those drab headshots from college your friend did for you for free and get some professional ones done! That will be an extra $350, please.

Phew! That is a LOT of money. But, don’t worry, we’re not done yet!! You should also have something different about you. For example: playing the banjo or any other instrument that you won’t find in an orchestra, silks or any type or aerial acrobatics, singing (to be fair, this will help a LOT. Musical theatres are in high demand), odd skills (literally, anything odd).

Don’t have any of these life skills? You can pay for them!! We will be generous and say that if you wanted to take a class to fulfill any of these requirement it will cost you, on average, $45 for 1 day of class. You will have to take more than one so we will say that you do 2 classes a week for 3 months. That sounds like a great start! That will be $1080 for a 3 month session session (this calculation is VERY vague as these differ from place to place).

Now, there are some things that can happen if you play your cards right. For example: working hard in college can turn into leading roles which morph into winning theatre awards which can mean important people see you that may not have and they want you to be an apprentice at their theatre so you go there and then agents from all over the country see you and they want you to sign with them so now you are graduated and living in the city of your choice with an agent who is getting roles for you and you haven’t had to pay for diddly-squat. But that is just 1 person out of 1,000. The rest of us have to work jobs we hate to make enough money to support the job we love.

Even though this all sucks, we do it. We forgo having a social life because we know, in the long run, this will all be worth it; All the money we could have used for something else, all of the time spent memorizing and ALL of the rejection: it will make us stronger in the end.

Below are some Chicago based acting classes/other classes that I believe people would benefit from the most.

http://www.actorsgymnasium.org/

Home

And finally, I will leave you with this moment that speaks to actors far too well:

 

The Struggle is Real

Guys, this is harder than it should be. I am on day 3 of my social media hiatus and I have no idea when anyone’s birthday is. I missed on of my friends birthdays because I wasn’t paying attention and who knows what else I have missed. I think  my hiatus may be over.

It was a good break but, I am missing on a lot of opportunities. Such as: parties, people trying to reconnect with me, network connections I could be making for my carreer, etc. This just isn’t working so NEW PLAN!

Cut down on the social media!!!!!


I can do that. I can easily do that (but I also thought I could easily do it before…).

Short post. Gotta get on the Facebook and figure out what I’ve missed!

UPDATE

I had 17 notifications and they were all invitations I would have ignored anyway…Seems as though no one missed me while I was gone 

An Experiment

I have decided, that after 8 years of being glued to the computer screen/my phone/ipad, that I am taking a break from social media.

Recently, within the past year, there have been many mass riots happening via social media. People I once respected show how little they will fall just to have their opinion smashed into the faces of their “friends”. I find that, most of those friends I have on facebook, are no longer friends. In fact, I am friends with people who actually despise me. Keep your enemies closer, am-I-right?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I understand why people are upset about things or excited about other things, but Facebook/twitter/instagram/whatever else there is out there, isn’t where I care to hear about them. When I see hundreds of the same people posting about the same thing, all I wonder is how I managed to escape that crazy train of conformity.

I know what is happening in the world. I read the news, I am aware of the world around me. I do not need to hear how YOU feel unless we are in a face to face conversation about said thing.

Also, what do you hope to accomplish with all of your berating?  I don’t see anyone ACTUALLY doing anything about what they are so mad at. All that does is open up a floodgate of feedback that just makes you mad and them mad and then everyone is mad.

So, after about 3 months of hating a lot of people I once loved, I have decided to take a break. A break from all the hate and the blatant disregard of human interaction. Of people assuming the worst in others by what is written and not what was said. I don’t know how long this hideous will last. I, like most, have had a very strict schedule to uphold to facebook. We have been seeing each other for about 20 times a day for 8 years. I can only imagine the things I will be able to accomplish without this distraction in front of me; the books I have been putting off, the scripts I have been meaning to read, the monologues I have been wanting to memorize. You would think that I would still be able to do these even WITH facebook lurking around, and, you may be right. But there have been times where I will knowingly choose to look at status updates for hours on end just to get out of doing other things: other things that could help me further my career and become someone that I like. 

So, without further adieu, the list:

• Facebook
• Twitter (I don’t actually have one anyway)
• Instagram (but I still may take pictures…)

The deadly 3. I will try as hard as I can to stay away from these 3 social media sites for as long as I can. And, I have to tell you, I already feel this weight being lifted off my shoulders and the ever occurring anxiety I feel when I go on said sites. I will update as I go so all of my zero followers will know how I am doing (could get interesting). 

WISH ME LUCK!!

Just Breathe

 

Deep breath in…2…3… and out.

How can one person screw up this much? I know how to work a phone and how to print things. But when the people I put on hold hang up or the printer is broken, everyone looks to me for blame. I am new here, just like you all were however many years ago you decided to sell your soul. Although I am sure the money is nice. That is the only reason I am still here; 1 week in, 3 more to go and I am so happy to be a temp.

 

You don’t want to screw up and you want to make a good impression because 1 bad review and you won’t get hired anywhere else.

 

There goes your spending money, rent money, grocery money, dog food money, chinchilla food money and transit money. Guess it’s time to find a strip club somewhere.

 

When life stresses you out and makes to feel as though everything is the worst, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Like Kimmy said “if you can get through 10 seconds you can get through anything”

 

Here are some thoughts from my day at the office:

• How the hell do you spell definitely (thanks spell check!)?
• Is it 5 yet?
• The door is closed and he’s talking to someone but the phone is for him and I don’t know if I should knock on the door or just let myself in or call his phone even though I’m 2 feet away?
• Where is that meowing coming from?
• I don’t know where the last temp put that! Why are you shouting at ME?!
• Ah, shit. I just ordered to much paper…maybe no one will notice.
• This desk is going to be covered in sticky notes by the time I leave here.
• Guess I’ll get my 5th cup of coffee for no reason other than to get away.
• Sometimes I feel like Emily in that scene from The Devil Wears Prada when Andy comes in late and Emily says “What took you so long I had to PEE!?”
  • I am living the Devil Wears Prada
  • I am Andy
  • My boss is Miranda. A gay man Miranda.
    • Okay, just Miranda.
  • Instead of clothes it’s art pieces
    • They’re not good art pieces
      • Some of them are okay
• Is it 5 yet?
• I wonder if anyone can notice this run in my tights?
• I should look at pictures of cute animals to pass the time.
• Should I water the plants that the woman I’m taking over for has?
• I accidentally tried drowning them
• I’ve been on pinterest for hours and I just can’t anymore
• Who am I kidding? Let’s search for cute animals.

To Be, Or Not To Be…A Temp

 

 

So you finally got a job!

Sort of.

 

 

 

 This is it. You’re first 9-5 job ever. You are an adult now. It is time to start acting like one.

Tips for acting like an adult:

• Wake up early
  • 6:30am should be good
• Make yourself breakfast
  • Time to start eating all those boxes of oatmeal you’ve accumulated
    • If you bought them, maybe you would be more than just a “only coffee in the morning” person
• Take a shower/put on your makeup
  • Gotta look good now that you have a job where people care what you look like
• Pack yourself a lunch
  • Let’s face it, you are still to poor to go out every afternoon
• Put on your business attire!!
• Remind yourself to go buy business attire
• Get yo’ ass out into that beautiful 9-5 world and be fabulous!
• After 8 hours, come home and wait for someone else to need you…

The life of a temp is stressful. You never know when you are going to get your next employment opportunity. Or, if you’re lucky like I am, you’re first temp job will be a long one.

BUT, if you are like everyone else, than you will have 1-2 day jobs most of the time.

PROS

• $11-$15/hr
• Lunch break
• Bathroom whenever you want
• Most likely, you will be doing office work
  • Sitting on your butt all day

CONS

• You can’t get into a routine
• Always going somewhere new
• Weeks of no work
  • Small paychecks

Jobs

Jobs are like a bad relationship: When you finally find one you get really excited and the first few days are awesome and then after a while you start getting frustrated with it and realize you aren’t being paid enough to deal with the shit you have to deal with. And then, while you’re still trying to “work things out” with the job you have, you secretly look for a new one.

Jobs are an enigma. Everyone needs one to live but no one will give you one you deserve. You may have a college degree and a world of experience to have the job of your dreams but, the thing that people don’t tell you, is that those “dream” jobs just don’t exist. They aren’t real. They are made up stories like the Easter Bunny and World Peace.

Careers, on the other hand, can be a job very close to the job of your dreams. For the most part it is just people settling with the sad, crappy lives they’ve somehow managed to obtain for themselves.

Now, I am not saying my life is awesome. I am, in fact, that sad person with a crappy job.

I firmly believe that everyone should work in customer service at least once in their life to realize how terrible people can really be.

You are not more privileged than I am just because I am making your coffee and you are wearing a suit. You do not have the right to tell me how to do my job because I do not come down to your office and back-seat drive your daily duties. This is not the job I want to have for the rest of my life. This is not my career. I am still poor even though I work here. The last thing I need is someone like you to make me feel like I am less than a person.

A bit of advice I want to leave all of you youngens with is this:


Try to work at many different places with different responsibilities. It will help you in the long run.

Self Esteem

Life is hard.

It may seem as though it may be hard for some than others but that is a blatant misconception.

Everyone everywhere has had good luck in their lives and bad luck. It just so happens that you notice their good luck when you are having your bad. That doesn’t mean that they are better or luckier than you, they are just experience the ups in their life at the moment.

I can’t tell you how often I feel cheated and worthless in life because the people around me are doing so well. I get envious of them and then unhappy with myself because I think “why am I not getting the things that they are?”

It hurts the most when the good things are happening to the people you love. You want so badly to be happy for them but in the little crevice of your mind, all you hear is “why can’t I have that? What’s wrong with me?”

Here is a little bit of brutal honesty:


NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU

You are unique and one of a kind and your life is nothing like anyone elses. You cannot compare yourself to anyone.

I am an actor and I always compare myself to my boyfriend who also happens to be an actor. But this is silly because A.) I am not him and have not lived his life and B.) I am not a boy. I cannot compare myself to a man in the world of acting because, in this situation, gender roles are sort of a big deal.

I am a hypocrite. I tell people these things all the time but need others to tell ME this. We don’t listen to ourselves when we need to hear it the most.

My advice is to take a moment, close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths. Don’t think, don’t speak, just be in the moment. No matter what you are going through, there is nothing that 3 breaths can’t fix.